Tend and Befriend: Modern Stress, Ancient Response

When we think about stress, our minds often jump to the classic fight or flight response which is characterised by a rush of adrenaline urging us to either face danger head-on or run from it. However, stress doesn’t always demand confrontation or avoidance. Feeling the urge to connect, care for others and enhance social support is usually correlated with tend and befriend response.

First introduced by psychologist Dr. Shelley Taylor, the tend and befriend response was identified as an alternative to the well-known fight or flight reaction. 

Although it is primarily a healthy response to stress, tend and befriend is not yet as known as the other responses.

Rooted in our evolutionary history, the tend and befriend response drives us to reach out, comfort others and build social bonds during times of stress. It’s a reminder that stress doesn’t always need to be met with confrontation or retreat; sometimes, the most adaptive response is to lean into our relationships. 

And it has so much to teach us in the context of today’s fast-paced, often disconnected world.

In this post, I’ll walk you through the science behind tend and befriend, how it manifests in our lives today and practical steps to use it effectively.

The Genesis of Tend and Befriend

Let me take you back to a time when our ancestors faced challenges that were more about physical survival than inbox overload. In ancient communities, people, especially women, developed a stress response that wasn’t about confrontation or avoidance, but instead about collaborating and nurturing. The tend and befriend response was essential for creating strong support networks during crises, ensuring that communities survived and thrived. So now it’s easy to see why this would be so important. When danger threatened, gathering people together and forming protective bonds was a safer alternative than dealing with it alone.

This stress response is driven by oxytocin, often referred to as the love hormone. Oxytocin reduces cortisol (our stress hormone), calms the brain’s amygdala (fear center) and promotes connection and trust. By leaning into this response, we create a safety net through community which is especially vital in today's fragmented world.

Recognising Tend and Befriend in Your Life

I started asking myself how this response shows up in my life. It’s often in ways I don’t consciously realise. Like an instinctual desire to check in on a friend when I’m stressed. 

Commonly, these are the signs to look:

In yourself:

You instinctively reach out to comfort or support others when you’re under stress.

You seek reassurance from loved ones, rather than retreating.

You feel a sense of calm when surrounded by trusted people.

You may feel compelled to care for others, even at the expense of your own needs.

You sometimes feel uneasy or guilty when setting boundaries.

In others:

They become more nurturing or protective when facing stress.

They provide emotional support to others, but may neglect their own needs.

They act as mediators in conflicts or work to diffuse tensions.

They might hesitate to express their own stress, preferring to focus on others.

While it has the potential to foster deeper relationships, overextending yourself without proper boundaries can lead to emotional exhaustion.

The Role of Social Networks and Community in Tend and Befriend

In a world where digital communication has become our lifeline, tend and befriend  has taken on new forms. We don’t need to be physically present to reach out and support others, but the principle remains the same.

Whether through social media, video calls or even a quick text message, these connections help us manage stress. We’re no longer limited to physical proximity when seeking support. This shift means that our social bonds and networks have expanded beyond immediate friends and family to include larger communities that provide comfort during stressful times.

While they may seem small, these interactions still trigger the release of oxytocin which fosters a sense of connection even in the digital space.

However, it’s worth remembering that while these virtual connections can provide comfort, they shouldn’t entirely replace in-person interactions. 

Physical touch, shared experiences and face-to-face conversations cannot be replaced by virtual connections. They are necessary in deepening bonds and providing the full spectrum of social support that the tend and befriend response thrives on.

Navigating Between Tend and Befriend and Other Stress Responses

It’s important to understand how tend and befriend fits alongside other stress responses like fight, flight, freeze and fawn. Each has its place, depending on the situation.

Fight: This response can be helpful when you need to assert yourself or set firm boundaries, but it may escalate stress when connection and care would be more beneficial.

Flight: Fleeing from a stressful situation can offer short-term relief, but it can also leave you feeling isolated. In times when support is needed, withdrawing might not serve you well.

Freeze: This occurs when stress leaves you feeling paralysed or unable to act. Recognising when you’re in freeze mode can help you shift towards connection and seek the support you need.

Fawn: This fear-driven response involves appeasing others to avoid conflict or danger. It’s often confused with tend and befriend, but is driven by anxiety rather than genuine care. 

Balancing Care for Others with Care for Yourself

 Too often we fall into the trap of overgiving — focusing so much on others that we forget our own needs. Below are some simple aspects to keep in mind for making the most of tend and befriend:

Pause & check in with yourself

Before offering support, ask yourself

Am I helping because I want to, or because I feel I should?

Have I taken care of my own needs first?

Will this act of caregiving energise me or leave me drained?

Balance support with self-care

Try the 2:1 approach. For every two acts of kindness or care you give, do one for yourself. 

Schedule time for your own self-care, just as you would for helping others.

Practice saying no when you’re feeling overwhelmed.

Build healthy relationships

Healthy relationships are based on balance. Seek out people who give as much as they receive and don’t hesitate to ask for help when you need it.

Notice when relationships become one-sided and assess whether they are nourishing you or draining you.

Reframe boundaries as acts of care

Boundaries ensure that you can continue to care for others from a place of strength. If needed, try saying:

I’d love to help, but I need to recharge first.

I want to be there for you, but I need some time for myself.

How to Use the Science of Tend and Befriend to Your Advantage

Now that we understand the basics of tend and befriend, let’s dive into some science-based strategies for maximising its benefits:

Boost oxytocin levels. Oxytocin is central to tend and befriend and there are simple ways to increase it:

Physical touch.

Make eye contact and actively listen during conversations.

Small acts of kindness like sending a thoughtful text or giving someone a compliment.

Regulate your nervous system. Tend and befriend activates the parasympathetic nervous system, which helps calm stress. 

Vagus nerve stimulation and grounding exercises can help tremendously. 

Mirror tend and befriend for yourself.

If I were my own best friend, how would I take care of myself right now?

Too often we tend to downplay our own feelings & experiences, but if someone we cared for deeply was to experience what we do, we would immediately take action. Let's form a habit on taking action & showing up for ourselves with the same care.

As someone who has leaned into caring for others during stressful times, I know the beauty and the risks of this response. When things felt overwhelming, my instinct was to check in on the people around me — offering support, a listening ear or even just a comforting presence. I’d feel better when I knew I was being useful, thinking that as long as I was taking care of others, I was handling my stress well.

At one point, I realised my focus on others was also a way to avoid dealing with my own feelings. I was using this as a distraction, pouring all my energy into it so I didn’t have to confront my own emotional needs. It was easier to fix someone else’s problems than to face my own.

This is a trap many of us fall into, especially if we naturally gravitate towards nurturing roles. There’s a sense of satisfaction and purpose in helping others and sometimes it can feel like that’s all we need to do to manage our own stress. But if we don’t address what’s happening inside of us, that stress just builds up, quietly affecting our well-being in the background.

This was a lesson that tend and befriend is powerful, but only when it’s used intentionally. It’s a beautiful way to connect with others, but it’s crucial to balance it with self-awareness. We owe it to ourselves to ensure we’re not using this response as a way to avoid our own emotions, but rather as a method to navigate stress in a healthy, connected way.

The truth is, we can’t pour from an empty cup. 

At its core, tend and befriend is a reminder that we are wired for connection. We are deeply social creatures, wired to find strength and resilience in relationships. In times of stress, it urges us to nurture others and, just as importantly, to seek out the support we need. By understanding how this response works and recognising its role in our modern lives, we can harness it to create stronger, healthier relationships that help us thrive in the face of life’s challenges.

Even in times of stress, our nervous system often encourages us to lean into connection rather than confrontation or withdrawal. This, in itself, is an extraordinary strength.

In the end, the most resilient communities and individuals are those who know when to give, when to receive, and when to pause to take care of themselves.